Finding My Happiness

It took me a long time. Too long. As long as it took though, what I have learned has stuck with me. I will never forget what I have learned. I will never forget what I went through to get to this point. And I will always be grateful that I have come this far with the help of my Heavenly Father and my wonderful friends.

What took so long? Loving myself. Forgiving myself. Learning that it's all okay. I remember so long ago...clear back to high school. I thought I wasn't worth anything. I thought I was worthless, actually. I thought I had to act a specific way for my friends to like me, and that way wasn't me. I knew it wasn't but I wanted friends, and I thought that was the only way to keep hold of them. I dressed, acted, and even made some decisions with only my friends in mind. I thought, "Would they like this? How would they want this to be done? How would they dress, look, act, think? Etc." I let people influence me way to much.

I stopped being myself. I started to hide the real me. The nerdy me. The silly me. The shy me. Me. I hid me from everyone, because the people I was around weren't nerdy, silly, or shy. Hiding me came with a price though. A very high price. Hiding me cost me happiness. I was depressed most of my time in high school. I self-harmed, cried a lot, and told myself I was worthless. I was stupid.

People told me otherwise, but there was always something in my mind telling me they were lying. It wasn't true. I couldn't be beautiful. I'm just a silly, nerdy, shy girl. People were just being nice to me because they were supposed to. That's what that voice in the back of my mind told me. And I believed it.

Why am I telling you this? Because I'm over it. I grew up. I stopped hiding. I got my happiness back. It took too long, but then again, I think that it took just long enough.

So what was different? What makes old me different from new me? That voice. That little thing in my mind telling me I wasn't good, I wasn't pretty, people didn't like me. As I began to learn that I am a daughter of God, born of goodly parents and heir to a divine throne, I started to recognize that voice. Or I realized I didn't recognize it. It didn't sound like me. That thing back there sounded...wrong. And it was. It wasn't me. Not my voice. Not my thoughts. They belonged to someone else. Someone who didn't want me to be happy.

He's gone now. That something back there. He didn't move out though. He didn't just leave. No. I kicked him out. I made him leave. I made the choice to be happy. The devil no longer has a place in my mind, because I see my beauty. I see my worth. I see that people can, and do like me for me. For the silly, nerdy, shy, crazy me.

I have found my worth. I have found my happiness. I have found my light, my life, and my joy. And I found it all through and in my Redeemer. Through my Savior. Through Jesus Christ. Through Repentance. And I am happier than ever.

I enjoy my life every day now. Yes, I still have bad days, but do I remember them? No. I remember the happy. I remember the joy, the love, and the beauty. I know who I am. I know why I am here, what I am to do, and I know where I'm going. I know all of this through the Lord, and through his perfect gospel and his perfect example.

I hope everyone can find their happiness. I hope you can find it faster than I did, but if not, if you have not found your happiness, then what are you doing that needs to be changed? Because if you want to find your happiness because you don't have it already, then something needs changing.

I wish you all happiness.